jamie doom

If that gun looks plastic, it’s only because it is (I am also holding the gun wrong).

I’m the foreign guy.

There was a time when I updated my weblog more often. My entries were better written. I was funny. I wasn’t trying to write poetry. I may have even been more innocent and less jaded. Anyway, back then I used to get a lot of fan mail. By a lot of fan mail, I mean two or three emails a week from strangers complimenting me on my website and asking me about China. Back then about half that correspondence was people wanting to “get into the Chinese movie business.”

These days I rarely get letters from strangers, but usually when I do, again, it’s asking for tips about how to land that role in a Chinese film.

On a side note, one exception is a recent Email from a reader who wanted a more detailed explanation about some Chinese drinking games. On his way to Beijing, my reader wanted to be prepared for whatever might impede or hasten his libations. It almost brought a tear to my eye seeing someone so dedicated and earnest about the ruination of his liver. Have you ever tried to explain a Chinese drinking game when you aren’t drinking? I hope my explanation was clear, but when I finished my brief missive, I felt like I had been talking about a strange drunken version of Yahtzee.

Anyway, back to the acting requests. Many people don’t take the time to write an Email. Instead, they just post the request in my comment box. Here is an example of a request: “Hey, I saw you were an actor in a Chinese movie. How do I become an actor in a Chinese movie?” Well, here’s how.

1.) Be foreign. No casting director cares how flawlessly and effortlessly you can banter about metaphysics in Chinese. When they are looking fill that role called Goofy Foreign Character 3, they don’t care that you never eat at McDonalds, hand paint your own chopsticks, and have a pair of “indoor slippers” that are pink and two sizes too small. They want you to be foreign. If possible, be a big foreigner. What’s better than a foreigner? A big foreigner. Think about it.

2.) Be an American. Your best bet for landing a role in a movie in China is as a bad guy/girl. No single country in the world today causes more angst, jealousy, hatred, passion, and vitriol than the good ole’ US of A. With most countries, people don’t care one way or the other about them. Take Swedes for instance, they are universally loved unless they suddenly mess with the Volvo design or ruin Tiger’s golf game. But as an American, I always know there is a place for me as a despicable bad guy, internationally.

3.) Don’t be picky about getting paid or safety on the job. If you wanted to get paid every week and have OSHA watching your ass while you nancy about your job, you should have stayed at the make-up counter at Sears. Do you want to be famous? Then sacrifices must be made. I saw an ESL Teacher from Seattle get written out of a script after he started crying because he realized that the “cliff-hanging” scene was actually off of a cliff, and he would actually be hanging without ropes. “Ted” an airline pilot out of Brisbane started going on about getting paid after he had been on the set for fifteen minutes. He was back at his “safe” job flying planes before he could say “Film Actors Guild.”

4.) Learn to accentuate your scars, birthmarks or botched tattoos. What’s a bad guy without a scar or tattoo? Ladies, use those pregnancy stretch marks for a little extra spending money in China. Face it, even in China, nobody is hiring you because you are pretty or hot or handsome or strong (even though that is how every casting agent has recruited me). Nope, they are filming a low budget movie and need somebody to be foreign. That’s right, you are the cheap, easily renewable labor. Enjoy it. Embrace the odd way you look. Either shave your hair completely off, grow it very long, or show your flair by coloring your hair in a ridiculous shade of orange. Leave your Fauxhawk back in the States and wear a real Mohawk.

5.) Chew nails alot. Blow stuff up. Jump out of cars.

Other writing about my Chinese Acting career can be found here (scroll down) and here.

If Becks can’t pull it off, then you can’t.

This is the type of tattoo that would get a lot of work.

Hair coloring like this will cause a great deal of fear. Fear sells.

Words can’t express how disappointed I was not to make it on the cover of my mini-series box set

Even Badasses get seasick on set.

And must needs puke.

Part 1

So far I have only been on the set of the movie four days. The movie people assumed that the only foreigners able to act in this movie would be English teachers. Of course, English teachers (when busy not working) work during the week, so all scenes involving foreigners are shot on the weekends. Of the three “foreign assassins,” only one is a teacher. He is from Canada. The other guy, “head honcho assassin,” is from France. He has a cool French English assassin accent which makes me very envious.

I get along really well with the French guy. I hate when people make stereotypes based on what’s engraved on the outside of a person’s passport. But allow me to do this once. The French make a national sport out of being unlikable and pretentious. This guy is not like that. He is pleasant and laid back. In fact, he’s alright in my book—which is a very short and shallow book.

The Canadian guy is a nice guy too. He has one small quirk that reared its ugly head during the 17 to 19 hour days of filming. He asks a lot of questions (Chinese film directors aren’t used to people asking 50 questions within a two minute period about a 10 second scene). Most of his questions are usually a variation of the same few questions. Let me give you a brief sound-bite of an actual conversation. He usually asks these questions to people who don’t know the answer or can’t speak English.

Canadian Guy (who is stronger than me and will kill me if he reads this): “What are we doing next? What’s going on? What’s happening? Are we done? Was that one OK? Are we gunna do it again? Does anybody know? Should I hold my gun here or here? Where is he standing? Pretty good, aye? Oh, so, what now? I ran too fast, right? Uhhhh? Aye?”

Everyone else: (crickets chirping)

Canadian Guy: “So, anyway, what?”

But he has lots of good qualities. He is a good pool player. He is in great shape for a guy who asks lots of questions. He has all of his original hair. He has only this one little quirk. I’m sure I have a millions of faults. I just happen to be blissfully unaware of any of them.

Due to a lack of foreigners who are as bad as we three foreigners, they chose two Chinese guys to be foreign assassins too. I happen to get along with them the best. I spend most of my time on the set with them practicing my horrible Chinese. One of them does speak pretty good English which helps a lot. We also have a Chinese translator who carefully translates all the director’s instructions into English for us.

Weekend One (Displaced Homeowners Aren’t Quiet on the Set).

So we arrive to the set early in the morning two Saturdays ago. First, we went to Wardrobe. My uniform consists of black cargo pants, black boots, and a really, really tight black tank top. If I raise my arms above my head, the shirt comes past my belly; and I look like Homer Simpson. That deep look of concentration etched on my face during the entire movie isn’t my amazing acting ability at all. It’s me sucking in. The tank top is just too tight. Whatever size it is in Chinese size, I need to the one up three sizes. The wardrobe people seemed to think the tighter the better. I complained a little to which they said: “Yeah, it is tight. Great, huh?” I also was provided with a plastic gun, holster, black hat, black clip on night light, and ear plug microphone.

Next we went to Make-up. The make-up lady told me I was so perfect for the part that she didn’t know how to make me better. She tried anyway. She put camouflage paint on my face. I think this was a new thing for her—the camouflage paint. At first, I looked like a raccoon. Luckily they found some pictures in a magazine of some real human soldiers, washed my nocturnal mammal face off, applied the paint in a soldierly streaked fashion, and declared me more perfect. Next, they applied a tattoo to my arm. A nice man drew a tattoo on my bicep with a blue ball point pen. But if you took a couple steps back and looked at it. It looked exactly like…somebody had drawn a tattoo on my arm with a blue ball point pen. I kept looking at it and thinking, “there is no way I am getting paid.” Luckily somebody showed up with some press-on tattoos about an hour later. The ball point pen marking were washed off, a real looking barbed-wire design was applied, and I felt a little better at my prospect of seeing some money for my trouble.

The first weekend was pretty easy. Even though we were on the set for a long time each day, we probably spent only about four hours the entire weekend actually being filmed. The rest of the time I spent sleeping, reading, eating, joking with the crew, and talking discussing history with the really pretty Hong Kong actress. I also spent my time entertaining the lone child actor in the movie with crazy songs, ethnic dancing, magic tricks (consisting of juggled fire, levitation, and a hunger strike on a large platform above the set for forty-five minutes—during which time members of the crew jeered me with bowls of rice and chicken feet), crazy faces and puppet shows. Hey, nothing’s too good for the kids.

This portion of the movie was set in a poor part of town in a very poor looking house. Rather than go out and built an elaborate set, the movie just moved into a real house in a poor part of Haikou, dug two large holes in it, moved all the equipment outside into the courtyard where three other families lived, and went to work. It was almost surreal seeing people’s underwear flapping in the breeze above an “important” director who is bent over thousands of dollars worth of filming equipment.

A lot of the filming was done outside in the courtyard too, or in the little side street entering the courtyard. A lot of scenes had to be re-shot because people would wander outside their house right into a scene. These homes don’t have indoor plumbing. The only water pump is in the courtyard. During the course of the day the filming was halted by old ladies vigoursly scrubbing their green vegetables near the sound board, venders pushing their carts right through a tense hostage scene, and children taking quick and noisy showers under the water pump before going to bed.

One incident in particular made me happy. An older lady decided it was time for supper. She began cooking her food outside over a small brick oven on a wok. Despite the director and crew constantly shouting at her to keep it down, she went on with her noisy stir-frying. There would be no “quiet on the set” until her family was fed. Finally, the director decided everyone should take a thirty minute break an let her finish. Hurray for the little people!

When it was finally time for us to act we were chomping at the bit. As it would turn out, our entire actions over the course of these first two days consisted of us jumping into holes and climbing out of holes. That’s it. I spend months physically and mentally preparing for this role, and they waste my obvious talent on something that Vin Diesel could do. It’s a travesty. It’s like putting Anthony Hopkins in a role opposite of Carrot Top, or like putting any actor or actress (be they human or animal) in a movie opposite Brendan Fraser. Don’t get me wrong, I’m great at jumping into holes and moderately good at climbing out of them (even though the tank top rides up). But I am especially good at coldly cracking people’s neck with one swift motion or, when it’s my time to exit, gagging convincingly on strychnine (it’s a horrible way to die). Sadly, at this point, it seems nobody in China will ever know.

Two other cool things did happen during this first weekend. First, I did get paid at the end of each day. Secondly, the kid actor was a joy to be around. He is about eight years old. He knows more English than most of the crew, and he has all that wonderful curiosity and energy that only kids possess. Whenever he wanted to know the English word for something, he would point at it and say “What’s your name?” Together, he and I explored the inside of people’s homes and the backstreets of Haikou. All the time, he was constantly pointing at chairs, lamps, coconuts and kneecaps and saying: “What’s your name?”

The next day, I was disappointed when he came back to the set and somebody had corrected him. He was now saying: “How do you say this?” Why would you ever correct something so cool? To be continued… (Coming Soon: Part 3– A Speaking Part In a Dangerous Hole)

This weekend was the official beginning of my Asian acting career. I am playing the role of a foreign assassin in a miniseries that will be shown on CCTV 1 next fall. I take my acting seriously. Other people might roll out of bed (wash their face and brush their teeth immediately), throw some clothes on, and show up to the set and try to “be” a foreign assassin. Well if you do that, guess what? Over 1.4 billion people will be able to tell that you aren’t really a foreign assassin. They will assume, and maybe correctly, that you are really a tax-evading accountant from Iowa whose only acting experience is pretending you are an ESL teacher.

There are a few of us actors who don’t work that way. We are method actors. We don’t act; we become. We are the great actors of our generation: Daniel Day Lewis, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kathy Bates, John C. Reilly and of course, Gary Coleman. We put ourselves into our roles so well that even when the camera isn’t running, we are still in character. Take Gary Coleman; on TV he was a short, wisecracking kid. In real life, even though he is in his thirties, he’s a short wise cracking kid. He can’t turn that kind of genius off and on. So about two week ago, I begin researching my role as a “foreign assassin.”

First, I shaved my head all the way down to the skin. That’s right; I’m a bad, bad man now. Somebody from Minnesota who teaches at the college where I live said I look like Jessie Ventura now. That’s a big compliment I guess if you like wrestling or come from Minnesota or are a Nazi. Wait, is that redundant? But still, Jessie Ventura is a scary man in some circles. Plus, he’s a foreigner which is totally what I’m going for here. If I show up to the set looking Chinese, I’ll be out on the street in no time. So shaving my head was a good step in the right direction. I have to say, I have a beautiful shaped head. Thanks mom and dad! I just hope my hair grows back this time.

Foreign assassins sneak up on people before they crack their necks, slit their throats, sell them term life insurance, or drug them. So, I began practicing sneaking up on people. I have been going into super markets these past two weeks, sneaking up on the girls working there, spinning them around, and asking where the light bulbs are located. This is not as easy as it seems. First of all, there are about seven girls per aisle in the super markets in Haikou. They are hired by individual companies to promote their product. So when you ask these girls where the light bulbs are located, they will most likely say, “I don’t know about light bulbs; please buy some Alpo dog food.” These girls are also likely to follow you around and see what’s in your shopping basket. When not busy harassing you with pleas to buy their companies bug spray or coconut juice, they will be chatting with each other in groups of five or six. Factor in me being the only six foot tall white man dressed in all black wearing camouflaged paint on his face sneaking around the produce section, my chances of success go way down. I am no closer to finding light bulbs than when I started. But still I try. I’m starting to understand why you don’t hear a lot about foreign assassins. It’s a freakin’ hard job.

The other thing I know about foreign assassins is that they don’t have American English accents. Usually they have French English accents (Jean Reno in the Professional), Spanish English accents (Antonio Banderas in any movie not staring Melanie Griffin [I want to change this per comments, but I can't now.]), Russian English accents (John Malkovich in Rounders) or British English accents with a tinge of Michigan (think Madonna after she became famous). So I have combined all these accents to create one amazing foreign assassin accent. Of course, all this would be more useful if I had a speaking part in the movie.

So after two weeks of sneaking around Haikou dressed in all black, ordering my food in Chinese with a French accent, and mixing baijiu with sawdust to make bombs in my apartment; I showed up to the movie set on Saturday feeling like an authentic Foreign Assassin. First, I signed my contract. They didn’t understand why I insisted on using a different name from the one on my passport; but once the camera started rolling, things became very clear for them. To be continued…. (Part Two – Foreign assassins are required to do their own stunts)

So, to protect the names of the innocent or the innocence of the names, I will use English names when talking about people in Hainan . Of course, if you happen to be one of the Expats working here at the college that have real life English names like Erin (real name) or Hope (real name), you’re screwed. Your name will be sullied and soiled like so much dirty laundry. Everyone will know when you get on my nerves. By everyone I mean the four people (including my mom and you guys) who read this Blog.

On a side note, the age old habit of giving Chinese students English names (no doubt started hundreds of years ago by those silly tokin’ Brits when they were trying to bilk China out of opium) bothers me somewhat. I keep meeting students at the college (it’s actually how I spend most of my free time). We chat for awhile. I use up all my Chinese; they use up their English; and when its time to depart, we exchange names. I say…I am Jamie (my real name) they say “my name is Betty (not their real name)” or “Alan (not their real name).” I then insist they give me their Chinese name. So they tell me, “my name is Xu Guo Bing (a real life Chinese name).” I then spend the next ten minutes mispronouncing their names to their laughter and glee. Finally they tire of this game and begin to assure me my pronunciation if flawless (not an actual fact). After that, I quickly try to forget the names I have just learned because I need that brain space for important guy-brain-space-stuff like sports facts, cool movie lines and phone numbers of ex-girlfriends who don’t actually hate me.

I think I got off track a little…but still…where’s the dignity in us pretending your name is Betty (not your real name) when we both know it’s a stupid name that one of the English teachers (Erin (real name), Hope (real name)) here at the college gave you. Probably Erin (real name) or Hope (real name) thought you looked like a Betty (not your real name). So anyway…I don’t normally take part in this silliness unless you have a cool English name like Jamie (my real name). However, for the purpose of my blog I will use English names for the Chinese students…unless I remember their Chinese names. (if your name is Betty and you read this Blog…I’m sorry but your real name is probably not Betty either).

I like when my side notes are longer than my main points. Background information and asides are all the really interesting stuff in the world. G.K. Chesterton takes issue with the phrase “the devil is in the details.” And whose gunna argue with G.K.C.? Not I.

So on Sunday, we (some foreigners) met with a guy from CCTV (we’ll call him “Betty”) to talk about our upcoming movie roles. Basically he, Betty, needs some foreigners to be foreigners in an upcoming mini-series on CCTV Channel 1 (not one of the better Channels I gather, but still a nationwide Channel) that has foreigners in it. He was happy when he met us. He kept commenting that we all looked really foreign. As I mentioned in an earlier posting, I am playing the part of a foreign assassin. But now I have new information about my part. I am going to be the foreign assassin who specializes in knives. I think it’s interesting that I am the knife guy because when I was a young lad, I almost hit my then six-years old little sister with a lawn dart (one of the more safe and fun inventions of the 80’s). I haven’t really been able to talk about it until now. So obviously, it has all come full circle now, and I guess I’m, well, perfect for the role.

Other details: We only shoot on the weekends because all the other foreigners are students or teachers. I will be doing a lot of scuba diving in my role. I also find this interesting because it’s really hard to tell a foreign scuba diver apart from a Chinese scuba diver. Since we are getting paid 500 RMB a day (non speaking parts) to 1000 RMB a day (speaking parts) and we get to do it in beautiful Sanya, I am not mentioning my scuba diving observation. I am going to save this money and use it for my Spring Festival trip to Anhui and Shanghai.

Then entire set up seemed pretty cool until the CCTV guy, Betty, said that part of shoot would be in Haikou’s sewage system. Now Betty seemed like he had a wicked sense of humor, but I don’t find human waste funny (ok, actually I find it hilarious, but only when I’m making the jokes). However, if I am getting 1000 RMB for a speaking part, I should get 3000 RMB for a speaking part in a sewer. I can’t imagine a Hainan sewer. I mean, I often smell a sewer smell in seemingly clean Hainan places where no sewer smell should be present (like classroom building # 3 here on campus…I have always wondered what the classrooms at NC State (Moo U) smell like, well no longer) Simply put, the sewers are unimaginable. I’m not a namby-pamby kinda guy, but my contract will have a sewer proviso, or they can say good-bye knife guy! On a really short side note, I did make sure that the sewer scene and the scuba diving scene were not in fact, the same scene.

The television mini-series is about a country filled with greedy white foreigners (maybe Iceland?) attacking a small helpless Island filled with Chinese people (maybe San Francisco?) for its rich oil deposits. I don’t know where they came up with this script (maybe CNN?), but I think this will be a winner. I can already see the reviews. “Can’t miss television event of the year”—Haikou Daily, “Award winning acting, especially by the knife guy. His accurate portrayal of oil-grubbing, SUV driving Icelanders should cause us to rethink our entire attitude towards Bjork.” San Francisco Chronicle.

Well I was going to cover a lot of really important Chinese cultural intricacies in this posting, but I guess I got off track somewhere.