jamie doom

It may come as a surprise to you that I, unmarried and single, am giving you advice about marriage. But you are my closest friend, and though I can’t be there to witness your nuptials, I would be remiss if I didn’t chime in with some encouragements and warnings. The fact I have never been married should probably cause you to take the following advice with a grain of salt; but it is a fact, I must insist, that makes me no less right. Without further preamble let me begin.

1.) Ignore everyone’s advice (except for the person that wrote what you are now reading, but including any self-help-newlywed-books-for-couples-to-read-together that people will give you as a wedding present because they are too cheap to buy you a rice cooker and too lazy/thick too write the definitive marriage guide which of course you now are reading).

If you were trying to get thicker, fuller blooms on your rose bush you might ask the nice British lady across the street with the lush flower garden for a little advice on water and soil, but we are talking about marriage, man. Look around you. Nobody has it completely right. For thousands of years men and women have been trying the best they can to coexist without driving wooden stakes through their sleeping partner. And do you think that pasty, smiling couple wearing matching chambray shirts on the dust jacket of your wedding present, fresh off the ”couples retreat 2007” tour, has stumbled on the magic potion? What about the lady with forty-five cats who keeps telling you to never go to bed angry and always keep things interesting? Nope. Her cats are inbred, and so is her advice.

I’m telling you to handle this how you have handled everything else in your 32 years on this earth. Wing it. You are a smart guy, or I wouldn’t let you be my best friend. Figure it out. Try. Fail. But keep trying. Keep talking to each other. Don’t be so busy thinking and obsessing about ”it,” the marriage, that you forget to have one. Otherwise five years from now you’ll be rushing home from work on a Friday because that’s your planned Make-Your-Own-Ice-Cream-Sundae-Night, and you and I won’t be friends anymore

2.) Argue Often and with Gusto, but in Private.

Apathy kills more marriages than Larry King. And nothing gets the blood moving like good old-fashioned argument. Give and take is healthy. Disagreement means you are both thinking, and both involved. Revel in your difference. Remember, if two people always agree then one of them isn’t needed.

Am I saying you should scream at each other, walk out of restaurants, throw bowling trophies (never come to a marriage without mysterious trophies-even if you have to buy them at a yard sale), or behave like the cast of Real World 2? No, of course not. Good, sound and calm arguments preclude all of the above. Good arguments prevent bottled up explosions and sulking.

When I used to wait tables, I was blown away by the amount of sulking men in the world. Is this just an American thing? Has Oprah emasculated us that much? Usually, I would wait till the woman was in the bathroom, before smacking the man open-palmed across the face. Then I would buy a shot of tequila and make the now red-faced sulker drink out of a dirty shot glass.

“You’re a man,” I would whisper right before she returned. ”Act like it. Don’t make me follow you home and smack your face again.”

I made really good tips on those occasions, and nobody ever complained about the service. Later the men would return to thank me for saving their marriage/relationship/job and promise to name all their children after me (Jamie is versatile in that regard.) So don’t sulk. Argue, then move on.

3.) Try not to die.

Many a music career has been bolstered by a timely death. Most writers wish they could cash royalty checks from beyond the grave. But death really harms both comedy careers and marriages alike. Dying tends to make any healthy marriage suddenly stale and one-sided.

To put it in plainer terms, my friend, it’s time to start taking better care of yourself. You now have someone else to think about. So quit trying to kill yourself with Bacon and Bacon Hot Pockets. Seriously, don’t die, or I will smack your face.

4.) Keep Picking Your Nose, But Stop Wiping It on the Bathroom Wall

Maintaining your sense of individuality while maintaining a healthy marriage can be difficult. As couples get older often they are not viewed anymore as two separate people, but suddenly they become one person (Bradgelina for example). This is one of the most scary aspects of marriage to me.

There are certain things you do that make you uniquely you. Don’t change these things. Be proud of them. There are other things you do that also are unique, but you may need to change them. Part of being a human being is growing, learning, and evolving. I think marriage is a wonderful excuse to stop being child, but don’t grow up so much you become unrecognizable.

I think it’s healthy for a married couple to pursue interests exclusive of each other. In other words, get away from each other some. Have some time for you. And don’t change…except for all that annoying stuff. Change all that.

5.) Laugh Till Milk Comes Out Your Nose

People say all the time, “I married him because he made me laugh,” or “I am looking for somebody with a good sense of humor.” I want to know where all these funny, laughing people are? People get married, have a couple of mortgage payments and all the sudden, life isn’t funny anymore. It’s very serious actually. And all that laughter is gone. What happened? Please keep being your laughing, silly selves. It will make me happy to see you guys growing old together, still belly laughing, still grinning, still spitting your drinks out at restaurants.

6.) “Love means always having to say you’re sorry.”

Hah! Get used to saying it. The proper response from now on is either “Sorry” or silence. But I have no idea when to use which. That’s why I am single. Oh yeah. Don’t go to bed angry, and always keep it interesting.

I wish you both all the best. I send you both all my love and friendship. I promise I’ll be there for your guys…just not when it’s important like your wedding day. I am so happy for you, and am smiling like an idiot even now as I write this. Congrats and all the very best.

‘True Love’

True love. Is it normal
is it serious, is it practical?
What does the world get from two people
who exist in a world of their own?

Placed on the same pedestal for no good reason,
drawn randomly from millions but convinced
it had to happen this way - in reward for what?
For nothing.
The light descends from nowhere.
Why on these two and not on others?
Doesn’t this outrage justice? Yes it does.
Doesn’t it disrupt our painstakingly erected principles,
and cast the moral from the peak? Yes on both accounts.

Look at the happy couple.
Couldn’t they at least try to hide it,
fake a little depression for their friends’ sake?
Listen to them laughing - its an insult.
The language they use - deceptively clear.
And their little celebrations, rituals,
the elaborate mutual routines -
it’s obviously a plot behind the human race’s back!

It’s hard even to guess how far things might go
if people start to follow their example.
What could religion and poetry count on?
What would be remembered? What renounced?
Who’d want to stay within bounds?

True love. Is it really necessary?
Tact and common sense tell us to pass over it in silence,
like a scandal in Life’s highest circles.
Perfectly good children are born without its help.
It couldn’t populate the planet in a million years,
it comes along so rarely.

Let the people who never find true love
keep saying that there’s no such thing.

Their faith will make it easier for them to live and die.

-- Wislawa Szymborska