jamie doom

(Including Legal Disclaimer and brief notes to: The Selection Committee at the Oprah Book Club, Major Motion Picture Studios, Bob Jones University, Future Literary Stalkers, Other Writers Claiming I Have Plagiarized Their Writing, Republicans, Democrats, Literary Critics, Anybody Else I Missed)

By the Author

Jamie Doom

One day, if I am fortunate, somebody may inquire as to what kind of person, exactly, I was. I could, if I so chose, leave that to others to answer. But in my experience, most people are ill equipped to answer such a grave and important question. Many people may decline to go into details and lazily give a vague answer such as:

“Jamie Doom really loved to laugh.”

In one brief instant, my entire life would be reduced to a poorly written personal ad. Or, worse still, some people who did not know me that well or only knew the worse parts of me my try to wax sentimental, like:

“Jamie Doom didn’t care about himself when he rushed into that burning house to save my limited edition collection of Beanie Babies. He knew how much I loved them. And now he’s gone.”

Or they may use this opportunity to settle old grudges:

“Jamie Doom dedicated his life to uprooting beautiful wild flowers, taunting puppies with his opposable thumbs, and giving toddlers life-long complexes about their weight. I know because I took driver’s education with him.”

The pages that proceed this Introduction To my Book (Including Legal Disclaimer and brief notes to: The Selection Committee at the Oprah Book Club, Major Motion Picture Studios, Bob Jones University, Future Literary Stalkers, Other Writers Claiming I Have Plagiarized Their Writing, Republicans, Democrats, Literary Critics, Anybody Else I Missed) are my humble effort to make sure the answer to said question–what sort of man I am/was—can be answered truthfully with a visit to the library or bookstore or more hopefully to the coffee table, for I would hope my book will by that time have a place in every household.

This, hopefully, will set the record straight from the very beginning and make it that much harder for charlatans, ex-girlfriends and traders in revisionist history.

I am probably one of the few people properly qualified to write a true account of the life of Jamie Doom. There may be in the future more to write, as I am only 31 now. If this cough keeps up there probably won’t be much more to write, but if I am able to beat the odds and make it to thirty-two and beyond, I hope I will still be up to the task. If my literary prowess has peaked by next year, I will realize it and give the task of presenting me properly to a younger, more virile writer.

This of course brings me to the main concern others will have of me writing about myself. That is, lack of objectivity. There may be those in the historical literary biography community that will think I will not be honest and accurate about my faults and failures. That is to say, maybe I won’t paint myself “warts and all.” Well let me say from the beginning that I don’t have any warts, only two small skin tags. One is on my right eyelid and the other is on the inner part of my left bicep. Neither skin tag is observable by a person standing at a polite distance out of my space. So already, in just the Forward to My Book, you have two facts that aren’t flattering about me that a lesser biographer would have missed.

Another advantage to me writing my own story is very real possibility that I won’t actually be a big player in the literary world until I achieve my first book, this one. So it is quite possible that nobody will take the time to give a written account of me until I give a written account of myself. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

And after I am published and famous and showing up at all the “most fabulous parties,” where I will proceed to ignore all the other “famous, beautiful people” and spend my time chatting affably and encouragingly with the catering staffs, people won’t have to ask the question,

“What’s his story?”

For my story will be my story. The one you now hold in your hands (unless you don’t have hands in which case I apologize. Wow, this is awkward isn’t it? Look at the bright side, at least …oops I was about to be insensitive again. Just nose to the next page and read my Legal Disclaimer).

Legal Disclaimer (AKA The James Frey Clause)

The events described in this book are described as I remember them happening with may vary anywhere from slightly to exactly the opposite of how they actually happened. I have, when possible, fact checked portions of this book using Google. I want you to know this so you don’t waste your valuable time doing the same thing. I checked it all out, so there is no need for anyone else to question the veracity of any of my accounts.

In the event someone does find something in this book that appears to be a lie, I already knew about it and was just testing you.

To the Selection Committee at the Oprah Book Club:

First of all, good job with the James Frey/Million Little Pieces debacle. You handled that great. Secondly, I would like to request that you take my book (which you will be sure to select after reading) off your list. I know that I am denying myself a great deal of financial reward with this request.

First of all, good job with the James Frey/ debacle. You handled that great. Secondly, I would like to request that you take my book (which you will be sure to select after reading) off your list. I know that I am denying myself a great deal of financial reward with this request.

But I have noticed that the only other author to make this request, Jonathan Franzen for his book The Corrections, won a National Book Award. And everybody knows that National Book Awards help you get the best tables at the nicest restaurants and entry into heaven, whereas inclusion on the Oprah Book Club list only encourages the writing of Message in a Bottle or Chicken Soup for the Soul 3.

To Major Motion Picture Studios:

The fact that you collectively have ruined just about every great book when you have brought it to the screen does not make me distrust you. The fact that you paid Dan Brown six million dollars for Di Vinci Code doesn’t irk me in the least.

My beef is far deeper. You took The Punisher comic book, a beautiful piece of serial literature and stomped on it. How could you ruin such beauty and power? The Punisher was the only comfort I had when I was young and getting wedgies, and was still somewhat of a comfort when I was older and getting wedgies.

Having said that, I agree to sell this book to the first studio that gives me seven million dollars and meets the following provisos:

A. You agree to provide me with 1.) A clean swimming pool 2.) Filled with warm Caramel Machiato 3.) And three napkins.

B. Michael Rhoades gets the role of Michael Rhoades in the movie.

C. I, Jamie Doom, get to play the parts of Nepalese Yak Herder 3 and Loud Guy in Bar. I’ve got chops. Oh yes.

D. One rocket car. I don’t care how. Just get it.

E. No cross-marketing with fast food companies, including Pizza Hut. I don’t need to see some fatty at McDonalds pawing at box of fries that haa my creation emblazoned on the side. Do I?

F.) Tom Hanks doesn’t even sniff this script. He knows why.

 

To Bob Jones University:

As a proud alumnus of your diverse institution, I would to thank you for getting accredited. This development has been quite a boon for me and my career. I have even put the notation “[now accredited]” after the school’s name in the Schooling and Education boxes on applications submitted to Chili’s, Waffle House, Beka Books, Kinko’s and Blockbuster Video. I am certain had I passed the pre-employment urine test these companies require, I would now have a fulfilling position in one or all of them, thanks to you.

See you on my college book tour.

To Future Literary Stalkers

I am sure that even though you haven’t actually got to the book yet, the forward is probably enough to make you put your role-play game on hold for a day and come stalk me. I know literary stalkers are now just part of being a great writer. I have one request.

If you are a middle-aged male “fan” please don’t stalk me. I wont be impressed by you know matter how much you creep me out or how many presidential lives you attempt to take to get my attention.

Best case stalker scenario as I see it is college-aged women who are told at least five times a day by strangers that they are attractive.

To Other Writers Claiming I Have Plagiarized Them: 

Sure, I may have written verbatim what you have wrote and perhaps even in the same context. Perhaps I was even too lazy to change the specific character’s names that appear in your alleged stories. That may be true. But my tone is totally different than yours.

To Republicans:

Some of you, who can read, may read portions of this book and assume I am like-minded. You may want me to join in your fight to keep health care expensive, large companies large and Rush Limbaugh in fancy painkillers. I am flattered, but I decline.

To Democrats:

Some of you, who aren’t busy reading Chopra, may read portions of my book and come away thinking I am your guy. Maybe you want me to take your constantly changing positions with you— not actually for anything but against whatever the Republicans may be doing. You think, now that I am a celebrity and living in a fantasy world, perhaps I will join my voice to the intelligent social criticism offered by Ben Affleck and Sean Penn. Once again I am flattered, but I must decline.

To Literary Critics:

I know you are really busy these days. To aid you, I have went ahead and written reviews, both flattering and non-flattering and placed the Afterword of this book. Depending on how you feel, you can just use one of those. You are welcome. Oh and one other thing. Even though I am a man, my pre-introduction research tells me that if a book has the label Chick-Lit it sells twice as much. Jamie could be a woman’s name, so nobody will be the wiser until they have already bought the book. I helped you out with the work reviewing this book. Now you help me out. Eh?

To Anybody Else I May Have Missed: 

My book, especially the hardcover editions, makes a great gift. Also, if you have lots of enemies, it makes a great weapon when dropped from any height, shot out of a cannon, or used to trip an unsuspecting person. There you have.

Whether you wish to give some one a present of love, or another kind of present that’s not really a present but death, this is the perfect purchase. I assume because you are still reading this you have already purchased it or will purchase it very soon.

Introduction Conclusion: 

This is not so much the story of Jamie Doom as it is the story of America. We have much in common, America and I. We both started out well, came into our own, then started pissing off people around the world. Our most striking differences is America doesn’t have swollen ankles from playing basketball, and Jamie Doom doesn’t have a vote at the United Nations…yet.

So the story begins now…