Introduction to My Book
(Including Legal Disclaimer and brief notes to: The Selection Committee at the Oprah Book Club, Major Motion Picture Studios, Bob Jones University, Future Literary Stalkers, Other Writers Claiming I Have Plagiarized Their Writing, Republicans, Democrats, Literary Critics, Anybody Else I Missed)
By the Author
Jamie Doom
One day, if I am fortunate, somebody may inquire as to what kind of person, exactly, I was. I could, if I so chose, leave that to others to answer. But in my experience, most people are ill equipped to answer such a grave and important question. Many people may decline to go into details and lazily give a vague answer such as:
“Jamie Doom really loved to laugh.”
In one brief instant, my entire life would be reduced to a poorly written personal ad. Or, worse still, some people who did not know me that well or only knew the worse parts of me my try to wax sentimental, like:
“Jamie Doom didn’t care about himself when he rushed into that burning house to save my limited edition collection of Beanie Babies. He knew how much I loved them. And now he’s gone.”
Or they may use this opportunity to settle old grudges:
“Jamie Doom dedicated his life to uprooting beautiful wild flowers, taunting puppies with his opposable thumbs, and giving toddlers life-long complexes about their weight. I know because I took driver’s education with him.”
The pages that proceed this Introduction To my Book (Including Legal Disclaimer and brief notes to: The Selection Committee at the Oprah Book Club, Major Motion Picture Studios, Bob Jones University, Future Literary Stalkers, Other Writers Claiming I Have Plagiarized Their Writing, Republicans, Democrats, Literary Critics, Anybody Else I Missed) are my humble effort to make sure the answer to said question–what sort of man I am/was—can be answered truthfully with a visit to the library or bookstore or more hopefully to the coffee table, for I would hope my book will by that time have a place in every household.
This, hopefully, will set the record straight from the very beginning and make it that much harder for charlatans, ex-girlfriends and traders in revisionist history.
I am probably one of the few people properly qualified to write a true account of the life of Jamie Doom. There may be in the future more to write, as I am only 31 now. If this cough keeps up there probably won’t be much more to write, but if I am able to beat the odds and make it to thirty-two and beyond, I hope I will still be up to the task. If my literary prowess has peaked by next year, I will realize it and give the task of presenting me properly to a younger, more virile writer.
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