love letters from my 34th summer

So I’m on a Norwegian boat, and it’s great. Norwegians are clean people as far as I can tell (from snooping through their things when they are working on the boat’s engine). The other day I was busy looking through the refrigerator, and I came upon a tube with a picture of bacon on it (see picture). So after asking around, I found out the tubes have bacon and cheese in them. I tried some on some bread, and it tasted just like bacon and cheese.

Holy crap! The whole world is going to be speaking Norwegian one day soon if this keeps up. If you think the EU is begging Norway to join because of their booming economy, energy resources, or well-built boats you are wrong. They have figured out how to put bacon and cheese into family-size toothpaste tubes for ease of use. The rest of Europe won’t rest until they have access to that kind of thinking.

And after researching this tube technology more by talking to another Norwegian (and going through more Norwegian cabins while posing as a steward) I found out that they have all kinds of things in tubes. Among them are: Ham and Cheese, Salami and Cheese, Caviar, Halibut, Whale meat (I am against this), Jelly (not KY, but strawberry), Hard Boiled Eggs, Lemon, Pine and New Car.

This is the captain of my boat all jacked up on Bacon and Cheese:

Related news: China, in response to Norway’s success with foodstuff and tubes, decided to double production of their racist toothpaste pictured below:

The Hong Kong company claims the toothpaste is no longer offensive because it’s now called Darlie.

Unrelated News: Once again all of OutKast’s shows on their India tour have been cancelled.

“You should love your belly. I do.”

At first I was just surprised I could understand what he said because tuna usually mumble. But then I wondered if he meant that he loved my belly or his belly. But he was gone before I could ask him.