jamie doom

If that gun looks plastic, it’s only because it is (I am also holding the gun wrong).

I’m the foreign guy.

There was a time when I updated my weblog more often. My entries were better written. I was funny. I wasn’t trying to write poetry. I may have even been more innocent and less jaded. Anyway, back then I used to get a lot of fan mail. By a lot of fan mail, I mean two or three emails a week from strangers complimenting me on my website and asking me about China. Back then about half that correspondence was people wanting to “get into the Chinese movie business.”

These days I rarely get letters from strangers, but usually when I do, again, it’s asking for tips about how to land that role in a Chinese film.

On a side note, one exception is a recent Email from a reader who wanted a more detailed explanation about some Chinese drinking games. On his way to Beijing, my reader wanted to be prepared for whatever might impede or hasten his libations. It almost brought a tear to my eye seeing someone so dedicated and earnest about the ruination of his liver. Have you ever tried to explain a Chinese drinking game when you aren’t drinking? I hope my explanation was clear, but when I finished my brief missive, I felt like I had been talking about a strange drunken version of Yahtzee.

Anyway, back to the acting requests. Many people don’t take the time to write an Email. Instead, they just post the request in my comment box. Here is an example of a request: “Hey, I saw you were an actor in a Chinese movie. How do I become an actor in a Chinese movie?” Well, here’s how.

1.) Be foreign. No casting director cares how flawlessly and effortlessly you can banter about metaphysics in Chinese. When they are looking fill that role called Goofy Foreign Character 3, they don’t care that you never eat at McDonalds, hand paint your own chopsticks, and have a pair of “indoor slippers” that are pink and two sizes too small. They want you to be foreign. If possible, be a big foreigner. What’s better than a foreigner? A big foreigner. Think about it.

2.) Be an American. Your best bet for landing a role in a movie in China is as a bad guy/girl. No single country in the world today causes more angst, jealousy, hatred, passion, and vitriol than the good ole’ US of A. With most countries, people don’t care one way or the other about them. Take Swedes for instance, they are universally loved unless they suddenly mess with the Volvo design or ruin Tiger’s golf game. But as an American, I always know there is a place for me as a despicable bad guy, internationally.

3.) Don’t be picky about getting paid or safety on the job. If you wanted to get paid every week and have OSHA watching your ass while you nancy about your job, you should have stayed at the make-up counter at Sears. Do you want to be famous? Then sacrifices must be made. I saw an ESL Teacher from Seattle get written out of a script after he started crying because he realized that the “cliff-hanging” scene was actually off of a cliff, and he would actually be hanging without ropes. “Ted” an airline pilot out of Brisbane started going on about getting paid after he had been on the set for fifteen minutes. He was back at his “safe” job flying planes before he could say “Film Actors Guild.”

4.) Learn to accentuate your scars, birthmarks or botched tattoos. What’s a bad guy without a scar or tattoo? Ladies, use those pregnancy stretch marks for a little extra spending money in China. Face it, even in China, nobody is hiring you because you are pretty or hot or handsome or strong (even though that is how every casting agent has recruited me). Nope, they are filming a low budget movie and need somebody to be foreign. That’s right, you are the cheap, easily renewable labor. Enjoy it. Embrace the odd way you look. Either shave your hair completely off, grow it very long, or show your flair by coloring your hair in a ridiculous shade of orange. Leave your Fauxhawk back in the States and wear a real Mohawk.

5.) Chew nails alot. Blow stuff up. Jump out of cars.

Other writing about my Chinese Acting career can be found here (scroll down) and here.

If Becks can’t pull it off, then you can’t.

This is the type of tattoo that would get a lot of work.

Hair coloring like this will cause a great deal of fear. Fear sells.

Words can’t express how disappointed I was not to make it on the cover of my mini-series box set

Even Badasses get seasick on set.

And must needs puke.