jamie doom

Some of you wonder what I have been doing since I got back from China . Well, to answer your questions…lots of things. Here are a few of them:

* Safely back in the States, I blew the whistle on rampant and widespread steroid use among China Bloggers.

* Moved in with my current roommate, Brian—a chef, who spends his free time organizing his Grateful Dead tapes geographically according to tour year. Tried to convince him to let it go. Failed.

* I secretly renamed my roommate’s three black cats.

* I finally passed the last of my intestinal worms, named Chen, after a street vender in Hangzhou . I had a simple yet heartfelt ceremony in my back yard. Chen’s memorial service was not well-populated even though I passed out invitations and wrote an obituary for the newspaper. It was in the middle of the week, so I guess people had a lot going on.

* Stole all the pumpkins from my neighbors “Harvest Displays” during the fall and took them to the Salvation Army to cheer the less fortunate. Watched homeless guys throw them at each other for a few hours. Felt bad as a skinny, white-bearded old warrior named “Ace” got a face full of pumpkin while trying to bum a cigarette from a telephone pole.

* Discreetly undertook a plan that would change the way people viewed Accrual Based Accounting forever.

* I had Thanksgiving with my family, and tried to defend the direction of my life so far with my older siblings. Failed.

* I finally got a job—but with a medical collection agency. I was a real go-getter and climbed the company ranks quickly. I even won a free vacation to Hawaii after repossessing three prosthetic arms, a Craftmatic adjustable bed (1001 comfortable sleep positions at the touch of a button), an artificial kidney, seven walkers (assorted colors), a colostomy bag (empty) and a sleep apnea machine after only two weeks on the job. But after I returned from Hawaii , I just didn’t have the stomach for it anymore.

* I began to miss my intestinal worm as I began to gain weight.

* Cleaned out the trunk of my car and found two squirrels (one dead and one alive) and a rare Coke bottle buried under the tomatoes growing near my tire jack.

* I went to 80’s Night at a local club and “brought the funk.” I even asked several bystanders if they had noticed how I had “brought the funk,” and received overwhelming affirmation.

* Worked on the Hubble Telescope for a couple of weeks.

* Tried to “bring the funk” again at 90’s Night but failed.

* I started a Jody Foster Fan Club. I wonder if she even knows I’m alive. If there were just some way I could get her attention…

* I began working as a lobbyist for the powerful, but mysterious Asbestos Lobby. I started to crave the taste of asbestos despite harmful effects. Quit.

* Bought a lottery ticket on a “gut feeling,” but somehow didn’t win.

* “Got served” in an impromptu dance-off while waiting for a table at the Olive Garden.

* Started to work on my novel and update my blog.