jamie doom

The only elevator on our entire college campus is located in the Administration Building. My office is on the eighth floor of this building. Here in Hainan everyone is required, nay forced, to take a two hour after lunch nap (something I will try to export to America). So, on the average I ride the elevator four times a day. If I forgot something in my room that figure surges up to six. Well you get the idea. I have become somewhat of an “elevator regular.”

In America, riding the elevator successfully requires nothing more than a rudimentary grasp of the concept of up and down and a cursory knowledge of counting numbers. In China, things are a bit more complicated. Please familiarize yourself with these five elements before embarking on the journey to eighth floor.

1. Don’t Kick the Elevator in Anger. Because this elevator is the only elevator on a campus full of large buildings, there are some who aren’t enthusiastic about it. These people are known as college students. They are not supposed to ride the elevator even though they do (more about that later). The elevator is reserved for the bourgeoisie, land-owning ruling class at the school—the administration. In the past, the students have shown their displeasure with this emblem of laziness and status by kicking the “up” button on the first floor. Evidently their kicks were accurate, repeated, and successful because they were able to render the elevator controls useless. The school administration never caught these elevator assailants; but after they repaired the elevator, they countered with a two bits elevator security to gain upper hand in the War of the Elevator: 1.) they installed a locked metal box that covers the “up” button after work and during the lunch siesta. 2.) they hired the Elevator Lady–which brings me to my next point.

2. Being the Elevator Lady Means You Get Your Own Office. I can see the employment ad in the newspaper: “Elevator person needed. Experience at pushing the “up” button on an elevator is a must. The claustrophobic need not apply.” The Elevator Lady has her own office on the first floor with a good view of the elevator. Her job, as far as I can tell, consists of pushing the “up” button, holding the elevator for people, making sure students don’t ride the elevator, keeping the air in the elevator fresh, and mopping the elevator. The Elevator Lady also happens to be one of the most fashionable people on campus. She is attractive in a superior, graceful way. She is always sporting new outfits, and complimenting others on their sense of style. She is also the constant source of campus gossip. Given her job, she has an intimate knowledge of campus ins and outs. She is quick to nudge then whisper to anyone who will listen. Here is a brief sample. “The young foreigner shaved his head. Two-words. Cue ball. What was he thinking? Wasn’t he getting stared at enough? I wish he would spill coffee in my elevator one more time. I wish he would; he’ll be walking to the eighth floor with the students.” Most importantly though, the Elevator Lady knows elevator status(who should get on and off first).

3. Know Your Elevator Status. Lowly English teacher? Sixth-floor janitor? Want to get off the elevator? Not so fast. You get off last. Chairman of the Board? Dean of Students? You always get on and off the elevator first. Because of the concept of giving and saving face, riding the elevator can cause ulcers here in China. Once in the elevator, everybody looks around trying to decide where they belong on the elevator food chain. They are thinking. Do I go after the math teacher but before the Copy Machine lady? But wait, the copy machine lady is the Chief of Security’s sister. I owe the Chief of Security a favor. It can get really, really complicated very quickly. I try to remedy this by always getting off the elevator last, but that’s not foolproof because I am the “foreign guest.” So they motion for me to go first. I motion back for them to go. We repeat our gestures. The Chairman of the Board gets impatient, so I say OK and start to get off the elevator, but it’s too late. The doors have closed, and now we have to ride all the way to the ninth floor in embarrassed silence. Once at the ninth floor, we start over. “Give me face. No, no please. Give me face.” To any administrators who might be reading this, I just want to get off the friggin’ elevator. I don’t care who gets off first. Why do these things have to be so hard?

4. Know How to make the “Elevator Noise.” The elevator noise is probably my favorite thing about riding our elevator. It happens almost every morning. Here’s how. A bunch of people need to get on the elevator, so the “door open” button is pushed to make sure everybody gets on without the elevator door closing on them (unlike most elevators, this one will close on you, and it hurts). So the “door open” button is politely pushed (usually by the Elevator Lady) about twenty times until everybody gets on and makes their floor selection. After this someone will push the “door close” button. Nothing happens. At this precise moment everybody on the elevator is required to make the exact same noise. It sounds something like “arooohua?” It starts low and has a high pitched questioning ending. Without fail everybody makes this noise when the door doesn’t close right away because somebody has pushed the “door open” button a bunch of times like it’s their job (which…it probably is). I don’t know why this is so hard to figure out, but I hope nobody figures it out. It’s fun. Finally after two or three seconds, the door closes; and everybody is momentarily relieved before they begin looking around trying to calculate their place in the ever changing elevator hierarchy.

5. Illegal Elevator Use is Implicitly Encouraged. Disgruntled student? Have something to prove? Late to your class on the fifth floor? Want to gain instant respect? Ride the elevator anyway. Despite the presence of the Elevator Lady this can be accomplished using one of three different methods. 1.) Pose as a teacher. If you look really young for your age this won’t work. But if you have a black nylon briefcase and walk erect, it’s easy. 2.) Catch the Elevator on the next floor. The Elevator Lady can’t be everywhere. She only can stop people from riding up from the first floor. But what about the next floor up? Plus all the administrators and teachers think it clever when students circumvent the Elevator Lady (this is actually true, I always expect to see angry stares when students get on the elevator, but the reverse is true. In China, the little guy getting it over on The Man is the funniest thing in the world.) 3.) Make a break for it. Wait near the elevator on first floor. Just as the elevator is closing, quickly squeeze past the Elevator Lady, her protests, and the closing doors. This will earn you the most respect with other elevator riders—high-fives all around. They will probably even motion you off first when you reach your floor.