jamie doom

This weekend was the official beginning of my Asian acting career. I am playing the role of a foreign assassin in a miniseries that will be shown on CCTV 1 next fall. I take my acting seriously. Other people might roll out of bed (wash their face and brush their teeth immediately), throw some clothes on, and show up to the set and try to “be” a foreign assassin. Well if you do that, guess what? Over 1.4 billion people will be able to tell that you aren’t really a foreign assassin. They will assume, and maybe correctly, that you are really a tax-evading accountant from Iowa whose only acting experience is pretending you are an ESL teacher.

There are a few of us actors who don’t work that way. We are method actors. We don’t act; we become. We are the great actors of our generation: Daniel Day Lewis, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kathy Bates, John C. Reilly and of course, Gary Coleman. We put ourselves into our roles so well that even when the camera isn’t running, we are still in character. Take Gary Coleman; on TV he was a short, wisecracking kid. In real life, even though he is in his thirties, he’s a short wise cracking kid. He can’t turn that kind of genius off and on. So about two week ago, I begin researching my role as a “foreign assassin.”

First, I shaved my head all the way down to the skin. That’s right; I’m a bad, bad man now. Somebody from Minnesota who teaches at the college where I live said I look like Jessie Ventura now. That’s a big compliment I guess if you like wrestling or come from Minnesota or are a Nazi. Wait, is that redundant? But still, Jessie Ventura is a scary man in some circles. Plus, he’s a foreigner which is totally what I’m going for here. If I show up to the set looking Chinese, I’ll be out on the street in no time. So shaving my head was a good step in the right direction. I have to say, I have a beautiful shaped head. Thanks mom and dad! I just hope my hair grows back this time.

Foreign assassins sneak up on people before they crack their necks, slit their throats, sell them term life insurance, or drug them. So, I began practicing sneaking up on people. I have been going into super markets these past two weeks, sneaking up on the girls working there, spinning them around, and asking where the light bulbs are located. This is not as easy as it seems. First of all, there are about seven girls per aisle in the super markets in Haikou. They are hired by individual companies to promote their product. So when you ask these girls where the light bulbs are located, they will most likely say, “I don’t know about light bulbs; please buy some Alpo dog food.” These girls are also likely to follow you around and see what’s in your shopping basket. When not busy harassing you with pleas to buy their companies bug spray or coconut juice, they will be chatting with each other in groups of five or six. Factor in me being the only six foot tall white man dressed in all black wearing camouflaged paint on his face sneaking around the produce section, my chances of success go way down. I am no closer to finding light bulbs than when I started. But still I try. I’m starting to understand why you don’t hear a lot about foreign assassins. It’s a freakin’ hard job.

The other thing I know about foreign assassins is that they don’t have American English accents. Usually they have French English accents (Jean Reno in the Professional), Spanish English accents (Antonio Banderas in any movie not staring Melanie Griffin [I want to change this per comments, but I can't now.]), Russian English accents (John Malkovich in Rounders) or British English accents with a tinge of Michigan (think Madonna after she became famous). So I have combined all these accents to create one amazing foreign assassin accent. Of course, all this would be more useful if I had a speaking part in the movie.

So after two weeks of sneaking around Haikou dressed in all black, ordering my food in Chinese with a French accent, and mixing baijiu with sawdust to make bombs in my apartment; I showed up to the movie set on Saturday feeling like an authentic Foreign Assassin. First, I signed my contract. They didn’t understand why I insisted on using a different name from the one on my passport; but once the camera started rolling, things became very clear for them. To be continued…. (Part Two – Foreign assassins are required to do their own stunts)